Que sera sera

Yesterday, I put pen to paper and signed off on a 50/50 gamble with my life.

I went into the appointment with the surgeon all guns blazing, ready to battle with him about taking this gamble with me.  In the end, I didn’t have to worry.  He gave me the choice, and he was as good as his word, that if I wanted this done, it would be done.  His opinion was the same as the oncologists, two days before….that pretty much everyone would take their chances with the months on offer.  But that I’m not everyone.

I walked out of there strangely at peace.   All we wait for is the date now – sometime in the next couple of weeks.  I know for sure that I won’t  change my mind, but I know for sure that I will dream about what I could do with that time, if it wasn’t so impossibly finite.

Because, I could take Dakota to Meghan Trainor in April.  And I see her excitedly saying to me “mum, that was fantastic, can we go next time?”  I’ll sadly say “I hope so sweetie”, knowing that next time Meghan is in our fine country, her mother will no longer be on this earth.

And Indi, and Tana, I could give her another season of My Kitchen Rules.  The snuggles, the giggles, the endless wonderment about why on earth they would try to cook something that was SO out of their comfort zone.  There would be a season of The Bachelor too.  We’d pick our favourites, and wonder out loud why any woman would lower herself to competing with 24 others for a MAN.  I’d look at Indi, and she’d curl her lip a little to show her disgust for the concept, because she is my little feminist in the making.  And then we’d eat up every episode voraciously, wondering who was going to get a rose.  But for me, this would be the last season.  And I’d know it.

Tana would have a few months to practice her make up skills on me.  And she’d practice on herself too, and I’d start to glimpse the young woman that she would become.  And, little by little, I’d have to accept that I’d never know that young woman, and one day I’d be little more than a memory to a little girl of 8.

And what of my little Georgia.  She’s just learned to blow kisses, but only if you don’t ask her to.  She doesn’t speak yet, but she smiles, and reaches for you, and when you pick her up, you are usually rewarded with koala arms around your neck, and if you have been really good, a pat on the shoulder.  One day I want to hear her say I love you.  But if I take the autumn, the winter, and half the spring, I know I never will.

The other day, I drove about a kilometre out of my way, to avoid driving past my dream house.  It doesn’t mean I don’t have faith that I will live in it one day, plant that garden, light that fire, frolic.  I have to still believe that one day the halls of the house will echo with my voice, chiding a baby for splashing too much water out of the clawfoot bath, calling all the parts of my heart from different corners of the house, for dinner around the big table.  And that study, that beautiful room that has many a pinterest board dedicated to the dream of it, I have to believe it will one day turn out that book.

At the moment though, I can’t go there, I can’t dream that dream, because it hurts too much.  My life has been reduced to a small window of time, and I can only think about the memories that I made in this house, with the people I lived in it with.

Some time in the next couple of weeks, I will leave this house.  I will kiss babies, in the dead of night, still warm in their beds, and I will not know if I will ever be under  that roof with them again.  And all of a sudden, that dream is the most beautiful one I’m dreaming.  That as i look behind me and watch my home fade into the distance, I will see in my minds eye a beautiful homecoming a few weeks later, when I will drive in the driveway, very sore, but certainly not sorry for myself, and gather my babies around me again.

Then I will know for sure that it paid big dividends – putting it all on red.

Thanks Sarah McLachlan for the words going around in my head tonight:

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

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9 Comments on “Que sera sera

  1. You are so brave. But I guess you really don’t have a choice, do you? Wishing you nothing but the best. Wishing really hard.

  2. Hi Julia, I’m new here and just wanted to say hi and send you warm fuzzies for the massive hurdle in front of you. Also, Megan Trainor’s touring???

    • According to my Megan Trainor obsessed daughter she is, but I haven’t heard anything about it either. I will press her for more details tomorrow and see if I can get back to you :)

  3. I’m a new visitor From NNY. Your strength is inspiring. Much love to you and yours.

  4. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” – Ambrose Redmoon.

    To share your talent at writing at a time like this is such a gift for us the reader and in time your daughters. NEVER give up your spirit is amazing….We as a family fought this battle when my mum had bowl cancer fortunately it was detected early. I have fingers and everything crossed for you…..God Bless.

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