Posted on May 17, 2015
First of all, I know that lots of you are awaiting my scan results. And, would you believe, I don’t KNOW!!! I always meet with the oncologist in my second week of treatment, so that we can tweak the chemo if need be….ALWAYS the second week. So, when the appointment was made for this round, I didn’t even look at the card. Wednesday my Gaz came home from work early and I was waiting at my friends place for him, as she was coming too for extra support, when I realised that I had not received the usual confirmation text message from my oncologists office…and believe me the colour drained out of my face at that point! I looked at the card, and sure enough, the appointment is next week! I called his office in a panic, but they could not and would not get me in to see him, and I have to wait until this coming Wednesday for the results. I did ask for him to call me, but he did not…he won’t give results over the phone, so he avoids calling to avoid being asked for give them, I guess.
I quite simply had to move on. It can’t be changed, it will be what it will be, and I had a weekend away to look forward to! It wasn’t easy, but I refuse to waste any of my precious life over something that I have no control over.
A while ago, my dear friend Sandy offered the use of her gorgeous beach house on Victoria’s stunning Great Ocean Road for a girls weekend away, to cheer me up. We decided on the weekend just gone, and we got a group of 8 together, including my sister and sister-in-law.
This sort of thing, while wonderful, always has a confronting element. Will I be able to think of it as a wonderful weekend away, of which there will be many more, or will I stumble….worry that it will be the last time we all manage to be together like that….let this make me fall into the proverbial heap? Triumph, or tragedy?
Let me tell you, every single minute was a triumph. I took living in this here moment and gave it a massive shake. We drank, we ate, we drank, we slept when we wanted, got up when we wanted…and LAUGH? I’ve damn near broken a rib. I was a bit concerned that if I managed to keep the sadness at bay, others would struggle, but nope, they did me proud. It was just a normal girls weekend away, where I felt enveloped in the love of some of those dearest to me. And will there be another one? My word there will.
Some photo’s, starting with our view, while doing all that eatin’ and all that drinkin’ and all that laughin':
Sam arriving with some refreshments:
With my gorgeous friend Simone:
My sister and sister-in-law:
My Kez and I hitting the sack for the night. I wore the pug suit. She called me Wilfred
My sister-in-law managed to whip 3 of us up beanies over the course of the weekend, and we modelled, along with a couple of ring in’s…:
And I rocked this somewhat thrown together new look:
I know, right? My, how we laughed. How could we not? Life is there to be lived – live it!
That is not to say the weekend was free of emotional stumbling blocks. They will always be there, and I just have to roll with them. In this case, it was in a shoe shop in Lorne. I was buying my second pair of boots for the day, and commented to the women who owned the shop that I would love to buy my little girls a pair of shoes each, but as I had four of them, and the shop was rather high end, I had to stick with spoiling my good self instead. They told me to make sure I bring all my girls back when they are older. I swallowed the lump in my throat and said I would. My sister-in-law told me the next day she noticed it too, and had to swallow her own lump. Such a simple, throwaway comment is now a minefield.
The other thing that I am struggling with is how incredibly fucking good life is. As Kez and I were motoring back home along the Great Ocean Road earlier today, the sun was shining, the water was like diamonds, my love tank was totally filled by some wonderful women who I know love me with all their hearts. I was going home. To my fairies. To my fella. To my huge group of supportive friends and family. To my lovely home. To the busyness of the last couple of weeks of this semesters studies, at which time I will add another 3 passed subjects to my list of achievements. What the blue FUCK is this dying business? I can’t do this shit, I am too happy, just way too bloody happy for that.
I can’t buckle under the weight of this, the fear and the unfairness. I MUST use it as the impetus that drives me on. People sometimes search a lifetime for this sort of happiness, and many never find it. I have, and I will hang onto it for DEAR LIFE, every single minute that I can.
This is perhaps a good time to mention that whilst I was coming home to all this happy, I was also coming home to….wait for it….throw myself into the creative process of TURNING THIS BLOG INTO A BOOK!!! It’s a happening thing, my lovely readers! The ultimate for any writer is their name on the cover of a book, and I can say, giddy with excitement, that it will indeed be a thing. Thank you so much for asking for it so many, many times. Thank you for believing in me. I thought about it so many times, but I didn’t think I had the energy to see it through, not with the energy sapping festivities of “chemo for life”, and I was very emphatic that it would not be done posthumously. So, how would it end? Not with the most “natural” conclusion, as I said. I know what the last chapter will be now, I just have to write it. And as for the work? A team of wonderfully creative people have got behind me, and taken all that on board. Heading up that team – my absolute idol, which makes me trip out all the more. How amazing, eh? Stay tuned for more info, I don’t think it will be too long
Go out there and live your best life this week. Hug your kids, plan your own girls weekend…take the first step in a dream. Even if you make a small inroad, one day it can yield great results. I dreamed of one day being an author, and I am going to be one. If my dream can come true, so can yours.
Last but not least, please come and join my new Facebook page that I have set up for this blog. I will post all new blogs there, and it will be and easier place for you to comment and communicate with me. I read all of your comments and appreciate them, and I am more than happy to connect with others in similar situations to me through this page. Facebook just makes life easier, I reckon Updates on the book will be posted there, too.
Much love my friends….back on Wednesday with the dreaded scan results!