One day when I didn’t know

I’ve been dreaming a little dream lately.

It’s a normal Sunday morning, and I stretch out of sleep, content in the  knowledge that we don’t have to be anywhere that day.  I smile, as my husband pulls me into the warmth of his arms, and I sigh as he turns the golf channel on again.

Before too long, our children wander from downstairs, one by one, and they push us to either side of the bed as they get in, as they like to be sandwiched in between the two people that love them the most.  We grin at each other over the expanse of the family bed, proud.  Proud that we bought them up to know love, that they are getting so tall that their feet are nudging  the end of the bed, but they still fit between us so comfortably, these two people who made them.  Gaz laughs, and wonders for the millionth time where to get a custom made bed big enough for everyone, and I remember when we had a four bedroom house, and two tiny children, and he wanted to move us all into the rumpus room so we could sleep together, all breathing the same air, in the same room.  I think about how lucky I am that I will get to spend so many years with this beautiful man.  We’ve only just begun.

At some stage, we all slide out, one by one, and settle into the hum of our normal day.  Gaz fires up the toaster and kettle, and the kids turn on the tv and start fighting over the channel.  Gaz and I look at each other in exasperation, and say, “Imagine what it’s going to be like when they’re all teenagers”.  Then we get on with enjoying what we have with them today, when they are still all ours, still our dreams to dream.  These days are golden, and the teenage years, we’ll face them…hand in hand, with hope in our heart.  Because that is how it’s meant to be.

After breakfast, we spend a bit of time on real estate websites, while the children play, and the dog barks.  Should we feather the nest we have, or find them somewhere to run, wild and free?  Somewhere with a few acres and room for chooks and a goat.  An old homestead, where I will try my hand at self sufficiency, growing vegetables, and making all the food from scratch.  Gaz laughs at me, and reminds me again of the flaw in that plan….that I kill parsley, and I’m really not much of a cook!  It doesn’t really matter, as it’s a dream, and there is so much time to dream it.

In the afternoon, we drag some unwilling kids around Bunnings, as we contemplate another small home improvement.  As we wander around the supermarket later, getting school supplies for the week, we talk about how far we have come.  That we had four children, that the birth of one last small child with almond shaped eyes made us change the course of our life, but in a good way.  That we took a deep breath,and gathered all of our courage, and borrowed a lot of money to start a business….a loan we just paid off.  About how the time has come to enjoy everything we have made, ,to watch our girls grow into women (but not too fast!)  Maybe we will take them around Australia in the funbus for a couple of years.  Maybe we’ll even take them to Disneyland.

That night, we fight with them to go to bed, and we slip, exhausted but content, back in between the sheets ourselves.   Goodnight my love, I’ll see you in the morning, and we’ll do all this again, for hundreds of days, for thousands.  It’s all we ever wanted, this beautiful, but ordinary life.

Then I’ll wake up again…to a nightmare, to a reality that I just can’t fathom.  And I’ll realise that it’s a dream that can never come true.

The dream of one more day when I didn’t know.


7 Comments on “One day when I didn’t know

  1. Such beautiful words with such sadness behind them. Whilst you may not get the whole dream you will get snippets of it and your gorgeous fella and fairies will love the memories your little family creates. Thanks for sharing your dream.

  2. Keep holding the dream, one day at a time. I hope you get to have lots of them.

  3. “It’s all we ever wanted, this beautiful, but ordinary life.” So true. My dad is in a similar situation, though with us its “five fellas and two fairies” (four brothers+me and my parents) and we are all grown up….sort of:) I hope you guys will have a wonderful trip, sending you lots of love and hugs from Germany, I really enjoy your writing and I am looking forward to your book: Can we order it overseas?

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